Tulse Luper – 27. Quiddities

tulse luper

He will not eat:— bananas, cheese, rabbit, garlic.
She won’t drink tea. Won’t even touch it. She makes his tea, but treats it as if radioactive in her arms-length operations.
Their offspring does not eat:— cabbage, calabrese, brussels sprouts, cauliflower.
But Luper will claim to have logic in his cause, because they are all the same sort of thing, same quiddity. Luper is also fey and reluctant about eating fish, because they have beauty.
They are a funny old family.

Johanna, his first wife, would not eat:— mayonnaise and sour cream. She did not like white sauce, and if she saw it on a plate, presented with gammon, parsley, bland, horrid, was liable to leave the room in tight-lipped distaste.
Kristina or Cornelia, his second wife, would not eat:— fried chicken livers or sweetbreads or kidneys, anything that filters blood. She also did not like any swearing, profanity or blasphemy in her presence.
A hand in front of her own mouth, affronted to a pallor.
By sulks and huffs, she would attempt to shame the culprit into an apology.
Saskia, his third wife, would not eat:— onions (except for onion rings) green peppers, relishes or salsas, octopus, calamari, mushrooms.

Lephrenic would not eat grapefruit, melon, cucumbers — the water content.
The worst thing Luper ever had to ingest was an expectorant: ammonia and ipecacuanha mixture — it did smell and taste like somebody had died in there.
He had been informed by a physician that he had an allergy to almonds: and, once, at a particularly difficult time, he had been forced to eat a slice of Madeira sponge sprinkled with flaked almonds.
Also, in another tight situation, he had to make pretence that he was allergic to the beechwood chips used in the brewing of certain beers —but used this as an excuse from then on to stick confirmedly to distilled spirits.
Beetroot. He particularly dislikes their narrative of leaching pink everywhere. They destroy the spatial concept constructed by the other foodstuffs on the plate.
Most especially, Luper will never partake of the chicken or egg, for it is unclean.

These suitcases represent the world according to Tulse Luper

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Creative Commons Licence
Tulse Luper by Hannah Shilling is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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